


how to piss off your dearest friends with only bars of soap

by skinandbones



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: And everyone is ANNOYED, Ardyn has a soap addiction, Gen, Humor, Soap is everywhere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 17:01:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9912422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skinandbones/pseuds/skinandbones
Summary: Ardyn has an interesting soap collection and they are EVERYWHERE. Everyone else is all like why.Filled for FFXV Kink Meme.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This story was written by [losingmysenses](http://losingmysenses.tumblr.com/) so give her lots of love for filling my prompt. Since she doesn't have an AO3 account, I'm helping her post her lovely work here aka she wants everyone to know about Ardyn's soap addiction.
> 
> View the full prompt [here](http://ffxv-kinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/841.html?thread=1255497#cmt1255497).

Soap. Ardyn is unable to leave without smelling like soap or bringing one of his favourite soap out on his outings. From soap bars to shower gels in all shapes and sizes, Ardyn takes his soap ~~addiction~~ collection to the extreme. It doesn’t even help the fact that he’s co-habiting the place with Ravus. 

“Is this really necessary?”

“Well, as you can see, one can never have too many soaps. It’s essential for me to smell fresh and wonderful all day.”

Ravus glared at him as he tosses another bag of soap bars and bath bombs to the couch. As much as he wants to leave this place, he is stuck with Ardyn until Aranea can find a permanent place for him. Ravus has been living with Ardyn for almost three months now and he still hasn’t gotten used to the latter man’s crazy soap obsession.

“One day, you’ll understand why I love soap.”

“I hope one day I don’t have to see your face again.”

\----------------------------

Weeks passed and the situation has gotten to the point where Ravus would rather be homeless than sharing the bed with Loqi since Ardyn has taken the other room for his other set of soap collection.

_It was going to be a couple of days, he said._

_Aranea is just busy with her own works, he thought._

_I’m seriously going to ruin every single soap bar I see in this place._

It didn’t take long for Ravus to snap and walk into Ardyn’s room only to see him moaning into the pillow with a dildo high up in his ass. Definitely not a view he wanted to see, so Ravus decided to walk away and pretended he didn’t see anything.

The next morning however, things became even weirder for Ravus to take anything seriously. Ardyn had told Loqi about the best toy he’d ever use (not that Loqi even cares because he’s clearly crashing).

 “I had the pleasure of have a particular audience to watch it all.”

Ravus stared at him. _I did not see anything, you fool._

Loqi laughed and smacked Ravus on his shoulder. It was a joke. Clearly, it had to be since Loqi found it hilarious.

“Very funny, Loqi.”

“Now I know why you left the bed in the middle of the night.” Loqi winked.

“I DIDN’T SEE ANYTHING! I WASN’T EVEN THERE!”

Ardyn gave a dark laugh and proceed to head back to the main room. Ravus didn’t know where to hide. He could text Aranea or even call her again but he sees no point in doing so since she will reply with the same thing over and over again. Ravus stood up to pour himself a cup of Ebony because Gods, he needed something strong to keep himself sane.

“Guess what, that toy is not even a proper toy. It’s a fucking soap bar that’s in the shape of a fucking dildo.”

Ravus pours himself another cup.

“Even said he wanted to give me one so I could chill for a bit.”

And Ravus snaps again.

\------------------------

“Gods, I don’t even know how you can tolerate him for -”

“Don’t even say it.”

Loqi knows how weird Ardyn is. He knows how obsessed that guy is with his overwhelming soap collection and at this rate, there is practically soap everywhere. Decorative soaps on the stove, scented soap bar as candles in the bathroom, shower jellies in the fridge and plenty more soap products lying everywhere.

“Good morning, my lovelies. I’m leaving today so please take care of my precious little soap angels while I’m away.”

Ravus rolled his eyes. He knew this meant Ardyn would get more soap products instead of getting produce for everyone to eat. At this rate, Ravus wouldn’t be surprised if they would end up eating soap. He laughed to himself until Loqi opened the fridge and tries to spread butter on his warm toast.

“Fucking piece of butter.” Loqi continues scraping the butter with a spoon. “It’s so hard.”

“Heh, like your dick in the morning.”

“Fuck off, princess.”

Loqi offered a piece of buttered toast to Ravus which he declined, saying that he would rather make his own breakfast to his own liking. Ravus took a sip of his drink as he starts to play with his phone. _Maybe if I can come up with some sad story, Aranea would take me seriously and get me out of here._

It wasn’t long for Ravus to get out from his thoughts to find Loqi spitting out his toast. Ravus looked at him and the toast, expecting an explanation for that.

“This is some weird tasting butter.”

“It’s just butter.”

“Yeah, but it has a fruity smell to it.”

Ravus starts sniffing the air. Maybe it’s the air, he thought. Ardyn has been lighting up his own handmade soap candles that Ravus can’t even remember what clean air smells like.

“It’s the candles.”

Loqi sniffs the air again. He looked at his toast and starts to sniff it.

“By the Gods.”

\---------------------

By the time Ardyn came home, Ravus and Loqi were more than ready to give Ardyn a piece of their mind. Instead, Ardyn gave them each a box of soap and told them to go to the spa. He suggested that they needed a break since both Ravus and Loqi looked rather tense in the past few days. Ravus protested but Loqi agreed saying they both needed sometime away from the place, and also from Ardyn. Of course, not without a stark reminder from the man himself with his own personalised soap box.

Being away from the place really gave the two younger men ample breathing space. Ravus was glad that he can have some peace after months of agonising pain and suffering just by living with Ardyn. Loqi was busy looking at pedestrians as they go about their day. He didn’t even bother to see what Ravus was mumbling about.

At home, Ardyn sets the bath and lights up all his soap candles as he waltzes to Ravus’ room to place more decorative soap; on the counter, the night table, the bed. _The bed._ Ardyn remembered what the shopkeeper told him about putting a soap bar under the bed. They say it’s for good luck but Ardyn, of course, had other plans to where he should place it. He puffed each pillow and place it carefully on the bed that was neatly done by Ravus. Ardyn looked at his selection of soap bar and decided on a nice white bar that is shaped like an angel. He placed it in between the pillow covers and gave a couple of sprits from his soap spray.

He didn’t even bother to slip a bar under Loqi’s pillow since he didn’t even know which pillow he uses. At least, Ardyn filled the room with more than enough soap products to leave the room smelling clean and fresh throughout the day.

\-------------------------

Just when Ravus was about to check the new restaurant across the street, he received a call from Ardyn saying they’re free to come home since he’s done with whatever he was doing while the men were away.

He groans loudly this time. Ravus doesn’t care if Loqi is taken aback by it. He wants out of there and possibly out of Ardyn’s life for good. He fumbles with the phone and drops it.

_Just great, he thought._

Loqi looked at him and asked if he’s okay to which Ravus just ignored and picked up his phone.

\----------------------

The ride home was just miserable and Loqi could almost cut the tension with a sword.

“Look, I get it. You’re pissed and you want out.”

Ravus gave a sigh of relief. For once, someone understood how it feels like to live with someone who has a soap addiction.

“Why did I do this to myself?”

“Keep asking that question and maybe you’ll get it out of there.”

Ravus decided to slow down and park the car on the side. He looked at the soap decals that’s decorating the interior of the car.

“You know,” Ravus sighed again.

“I really don’t get him and this is not even my fucking car. I don’t even have one.”

Loqi nods and starts to open every compartment, finding something to play with.

“I just want a nice place for myself and not be in a whole fucking soap mess with Ardyn.”

Loqi scoffed. “And you think I want to share a bed with you?”

“Point taken.” Loqi laugh with Ravus as he unrolls a poster from the car’s compartment.

“Is this Ardyn?”

Ravus gave a quick glance before taking the poster away from Loqi’s hand to see it clearly. It was Ardyn, posing in a bathtub with decorative soap bars all around him. It was blackmail material but he needed to find the right time to use it against Ardyn.

“I can’t believe Ardyn used to model back then.”

Loqi looked at the poster again. “And he had me believing that he was doing some obscure soap porn for money.”

\------------------------

“What took you so long?”

“Thanks for your concern but it is none of your business as to what we were doing.”

Both Loqi and Ravus tried to hide their smug faces and went to their shared room. Loqi had taken the poster with him and told Ravus of their plan of getting out of the place by pleading to Aranea. Initially, Ravus wasn’t too keen on it but after much convincing, he gave in. He knew the obsession was getting too far.

“May tonight be the last night that we’re sharing this bed together.”

“Agreed.”

Just when Ravus was about to put his head down, he felt a sharp pain at back of his head. He took the pillow and began to shake it. Of course, there had to be a soap bar and who else would put it there if not Ardyn, the crazy soap man himself. Loqi laughs at him and goes on about how lucky he was for not having soap under his pillow. Ravus scoffs at him and walks about of the room, taking his phone with him.

He’s glad that there’s a nice outdoor balcony area so he can at least have a moment to himself without getting distracted or interrupted. Unlocking his phone, he noticed a text from his sister asking if he’s alright since he hasn’t been replying any of her texts. Not that he didn’t want her to worry, he just wants to be alone right now. Maybe find someone to talk to but not Loqi, not Luna and definitely not Ardyn – the source of all his problems.

He can give Aranea a call since she promised to get him a proper place.

Twice, it rings.

“You better have a good reason for calling me right now”

\--------------------

“If it’s that serious, go back to your sister’s place. She’ll be more than happy to take you back in.”

“I don’t like her partner and his group of friends. Too weird for my taste.”

Aranea groans as she gets ready. Ravus had offered to pick her up so she can see the soap hell for herself. She knew it was a problem but she has never seen Ravus act so differently ever since he stayed with Ardyn. The fact that she still can’t find two separate housing for Ravus and Loqi stresses her out. She’s not a real estate agent. Hell, she’s just a friend looking out for a friend in need. Until now, she still doesn’t understand why Ravus wants to be alone and independent; away from the whole royalty crap.

\--------------------

“It was the proudest moment of my life!”

“What? Doing soap porn?”, Loqi rebutted.

Ravus laughed. He forgot how it felt to laugh like this. Perhaps he was too caught up in the soap mess that he didn’t even bother to find joy in anything else. Aranea gave a slight chuckle before taking the poster away. She shook her head and looked at Ardyn, searching for an answer.

“I just love soap.”

Aranea got up and placed her arm over Ardyn’s shoulder. “Yeah, well we all have our own kind of obsession but you are taking it too far.”

She took a small bar of soap and starts to scrape it with her nails.

“ _It really is too much, Ardyn.”_

Ardyn gasped as Aranea squishes the soap into a whole mess. It was his favourite piece; small and cute with nice fragrance to it. He might use that soap one day but that day will never come since Aranea already ruined it. In fact, she already ruined almost half of his soap collection. Ardyn silently weeps. It’s crazy how someone can destroy his life collection of soaps in an instant.

“But” Aranea explains.

“I want you to know that we still sort of tolerate you and your soaps. Just fucking get rid of these!”

She picks up more soap residue from the floor and tossed them to Ardyn. Aranea didn’t even stop and hesitate as she takes a black garbage bag and start to throw in some of Ardyn’s soap candle collection, some of which are limited edition. Loqi joins in the fun by removing every soap décor around the house while Ravus just sits there, laughing to himself.

Something didn’t sit quite right with Ardyn. He was too pleased with the soap removal, no hard feelings, no emotions. He just smiles as both Aranea and Loqi gather almost his entire collection. Ravus feels like Ardyn is hiding something but he didn’t know what it is.

\-------------------------

After almost a whole day of cleaning and getting rid of every soap collection Ardyn has, save that one damned room since it’s his soap shrine, everyone flopped on the couch. It was hard work and there’s still that familiar soap scent that lingers in the air. Aranea admits that it’s not something they can change overnight.

“Smells like death to me.”

Ardyn gets up and puts on his robe.

“If you don’t mind, perhaps I can ask you to join in the festivities.”

They looked at Ardyn in confusion.

“Oh get into your bath suits, we’re in for a ride.”

Aranea thinks it’s time to go for a dip in the pool, maybe just to chill as they watch the sun set. Loqi think it’s just Ardyn taking his whole flamboyant soap addiction to a new level. Ravus decided not to since he wants to rest in his room for once, without any soap products surrounding him.

It didn’t take long for them to make a splash while Ravus was busy thinking about why Ardyn was acting that way. He began to search the room just in case Ardyn left out a hidden soap bar for Ravus. Nothing. Ravus walked out and stood outside the shrine room that Ardyn talked about.

“Clearly, you are not tired at all.”

“Ardyn, I was just um...” Ravus gulped. He was screwed. He couldn’t find any reason as to why he’s there with his hand on the handle.

Ardyn gets closer to him. Ravus can almost hear him breathing as he whispered.

“ _Be my soap.”_

**Author's Note:**

> Find me at [ofskinandbones](http://www.ofskinandbones.tumblr.com).


End file.
